To the person who wouldn’t stay…

Your absence was always noticed. Every time you left, felt no easier than the last. For years I blamed myself for driving you away. Knowing very well, that I did nothing wrong. How many times did I apologize for your mistakes? How many times did I fight to try and make things right when I wasn’t even the one who messed them up in the first place? I used to get down on myself for being such a doormat. But all of your exits have taught me that I’m not the one to blame or beat up.

Maybe I shouldn’t have opened the door back up for you so many times. Maybe I should’ve locked you out and threw away the key. Maybe I was too weak. But I am not anymore. There is no weakness in being a loving person. There is no weakness in believing in the good of others enough to give them another chance. I was strong then, and I am even stronger now thanks to you. There were many times where I’d be forced to question my self-worth when you walked away. I’d be left wondering how I could be so awful to be so unwanted and unloved by another. I placed all of the blame on myself. I cut you endless amounts of slack, long after you were gone.

I wasn’t to blame though. I wasn’t the one who repeatedly hurt another, knowingly and intentionally. I wasn’t the one who would pour out promises like a fountain and break all of them. I wasn’t the one who went back on their word over and over again. I wasn’t the one who repeatedly walked away from someone who did nothing but care for me. We all make mistakes in our lives, but I wasn’t the one who made them here. 

I realized after so many years of running in and out of my life, you were the one who wasn’t worthy. Who wasn’t deserving. All of this time, I believed I was that person. I gave my all to someone who’d ask for it and then throw it away two seconds later. And vanish, with no explanation. I was wrong for fighting for you for so long. But I wasn’t wrong for trying. I was just trying for the wrong person. You didn’t deserve half of the efforts I gave. You taught me that what I thought were my greatest weaknesses are actually my greatest strengths. You showed me what I deserve. I thought you broke my self-esteem, but in the end,  you helped build it up by showing me I am worth so much more than anything you could give.