Growing up with a narcissistic father I learned that love and affection were circumstantial. They were based on conditions that felt, but never were, within my control.
Until recently, I didn’t realize how much this impacted my life and relationships. I constantly find myself putting myself into a box or corner for other people. Shifting to meet their needs and desires. Changing myself to fit in the ways in which I think will be the only means of them accepting me into their lives.
I’d become a person I wasn’t and do things I didn’t necessarily want to, all to appease and please others in hope of “earning” their acceptance and friendship or love, as I’d have to with my father.
Over time, these habits and forcing myself to fit into a box that wasn’t me caused me to become restless. I’d begin to resent the people I was appeasing, even though none of it was their doing or fault. They never asked me to be a certain way or do certain things. I’d offer different versions of myself to others without their knowledge that it wasn’t truly me and who I wanted to be. The internal battle with myself would leave others scarred and confused. I never meant to hurt anyone, but the call I was receiving to stop acting as if acceptance was conditional was too great to ignore.
I’ve reached a place where I finally see the things I was doing and the reasons why. I recognize the great mistake it was to live in this manner. I realize that the world and other people aren’t my dad. They aren’t going to shove me away at a moment’s notice for not fitting within their idea of who I should be. I don’t fit the “mold” I think others want me to fit in. Because, truthfully, people don’t have a mold in mind for anyone but themselves. I finally have found the freedom to be myself in all my relationships: platonic, romantic, or otherwise. Those who matter will accept you as you are, not because you’re who you think they want you to be.
Tiny Writer 
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