What I would say if you ever came back into my life.

Would a part of me still want to rush into your arms and greet you with excitement because you’re here? Of course. The soft spot for you that has allowed me to forgive you time and time again would want nothing more than to embrace you with open arms and forget all the former things. But I couldn’t actually do that. I wouldn’t do that. 

I wouldn’t be able to simply shove aside all of the hurt and pain you left behind when you walked away. I wouldn’t be able to pretend you’re still the wonderful person you used to be in my eyes. I wouldn’t be able to be understanding and listen to whatever reasoning you had for vanishing when you promised you wouldn’t. As much as I would like for us to return to normal, too much has been done. Too much damage was caused by you. Too much time had passed where you left me broken, hopeless, and wondering. Too many mistakes made it clear that they weren’t just that. They were conscious choices you were making. Decisions to betray and hurt me. Decisions you didn’t even care enough to apologize for. 

Would I love to rekindle our friendship and continue with the exciting adventures we used to have? Would I wish we could reconnect and talk for hours on end about everything under the sun like we always did? Of course, I would. Would it pain me greatly to know I could no longer do those things? Absolutely. But would that pain cause me to give in this time? Absolutely not. This time was different. This time you cut me down to a new level, by acting a new level of low for yourself. This time I had to harness more strength and dignity to build myself back up. This time I not only built back up to myself, but to the strongest version I’d ever found of myself. 

When you left me lost and wondering what I’d done, I had no choice but to be strong. I had no one to turn to but myself. I had to find and create a newfound strength to heal my own heart that I’d never known I had. This time was different. And I know you’ll never realize it. You’ll never see how badly you destroyed my heart. How severely you broke my trust in you. How hard it was to get up and move forward without you. Before, I always knew we’d forgive and come back in each other’s lives. This time was different. There was no argument, no final feud. Every attempt of amicability from me you ignored. You walked away without a word. Your silence was louder than any of our previous disagreements. It was a sign that you weren’t coming back around in a few months or years. It was proof that you did not care what you did, or how it affected me. You did not respect me or my well-being. You chose to walk away untethered and unaffected by all you had done. You completely disconnected us from one another. At this point, you wouldn’t even deserve for me to explain what you did. So, if you did ever show up again, I could never bare as much as a “hello” for you proved that you don’t deserve even that from me.